by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
