So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
