dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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