NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
