I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
