Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
