Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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