i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
