im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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