I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
