Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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