I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
