party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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