i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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