the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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