She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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