literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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