There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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