$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
