i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
