Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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