it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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