I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
