How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
