So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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