I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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