i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
