Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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