Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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