I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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