i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
