Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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