Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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