So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
