I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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