Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
