Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
