This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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