I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
