im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
