the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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