Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
