Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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