I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The air was thick with penises
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
