I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
