I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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