Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
