i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
