I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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