Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
