new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
