I wish I could teleport
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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