I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
