May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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